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One of the best jokes I ever heard.


hellfirejet

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Heres one I heard a while back, wee Paddy is on his knees crying his wee heart out, his wee neighbour says, oh Paddy son whats the matter with you, wee Paddy says , my mams just died, and his wee neighbour says, oh son do you want me to get father Oreilly, and wee Paddy says, no thanks, sex is the last thing on my mind the noo. :P

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A Celtic fan dies and is standing at the gates of Heaven. St Peter opens the gate takes one look and says "Sorry we don't take your type in here"

"What do you mean" says the Celtic supporter, "I'm a good guy, last week I donated £10 from my broo money to the children's hospital, the week before I donated £10 to the local masonic lodge to help with their charity work and the week before that I donated £10 to the sick animals charity"

"Hmmm" says St Peter, "give me two minutes and I will go and speak to the big man. Two minutes later St Peter returns and says "Right I have spoken to the big man and we are both in agreement, here's your £30 quid back now f*ck off"

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A priest (Celtic scarf on) walking home one night finds an injured frog in the middle of the road. He takes it home, bathes it, cleans it, dresses its wounds, feeds it, gives him some water, and takes him to bed.

He then reads him a story and before he puts the light out to go to sleep he gives him a goodnight kiss, and then miraculously the frog turns into an 8 year old boy!

And that your honour is the case for the defence.

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Shellik are on their way to Inverness for a match when the bus breaks down on the A9. The driver gets out for a look followed by Samaras "Do you need a screwdriver?" says the bold Samaras... The driver responds "No thanks Sami, but maybe a quick handjive once I've fixed the bus”.

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An old priest gets a heart transplant, the operation is a success but as he's recovering a nurse tells him the heart donor was the worthy master of the orange lodge!

The priest in a panic asks to see his doctor immediately, the doctor soon turns up says how can I help you father?

The priest says doctor wIth me having this new heart and the donor being into the orange order, do you think having his heart will affect my religion in anyway?

The doctor says I'm not qualified to answer that, maybe if you wrote to the pope he would tell you!

The priest says Fuck the pope you tell me!

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A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Paisley and, trying to

make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that

she is a St. Mirren fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if

they too, are St. Mirren fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except

one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says:

"Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a St. Mirren fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a St. Mirren fan,

then who are you a fan of?"

"I'm a Rangers fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you

a Rangers fan?"

"Because my Mum and Dad areRangers fans so I'm a Rangers fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason

for you to be a Rangers fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Celtic fan."

:sherlock:

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A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Paisley and, trying to

make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that

she is a St. Mirren fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if

they too, are St. Mirren fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except

one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says:

"Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a St. Mirren fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a St. Mirren fan,

then who are you a fan of?"

"I'm a Rangers fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you

a Rangers fan?"

"Because my Mum and Dad areRangers fans so I'm a Rangers fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason

for you to be a Rangers fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Celtic fan."

:sherlock:

Yes its old very old in fact but I must say I did laugh at that :D

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Well if we are telling oldies :pipe:

Ally McCoist and Neil Lennon walk into a brothel.

Neil Lennon asks "how much for a wank"

A woman replies "£20"

Ally McCoist asks "How much if your not a wank?"

Sorry to correct,but Ally said"how much for a legend"

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