True_Blue_Gal 0 Posted April 17, 2008 Share Posted April 17, 2008 'Hello mate' says St. Peter, 'I'm sorry, no Celtic fans in heaven.' 'What ?' exclaims the man, astonished. 'You heard, no Celtic fans.' 'But, but, but, I've been a good man', replies the Celtic supporter. 'Oh really', says St. Peter. 'What have you done, then ?' 'Well' said the supporter, 'Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa'. 'Oh' says St.Peter. 'anything else?' 'Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless.' 'Hmmm. Anything else?' 'Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans.' 'Okay', said St. Peter, 'You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor.' Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, 'I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty quid back, now f*** off'. A Rangers fan was given one wish by a genie after freeing it from a bottle. The only setback was that whatever he wished for a Celtc fan would recieve double that. He thought about a million pounds,but didnt like the idea of a mhank waking up with TWO million. He considered a new porsche but knew that some bead rattler would find two of them in his driveway. Eventually it dawned on him and he told the genie > > > > > > >'I want to donate a kidney.' :bouncy: :bouncy: Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
plymouthranger 3,855 Posted April 17, 2008 Share Posted April 17, 2008 'Hello mate' says St. Peter, 'I'm sorry, no Celtic fans in heaven.' 'What ?' exclaims the man, astonished. 'You heard, no Celtic fans.' 'But, but, but, I've been a good man', replies the Celtic supporter. 'Oh really', says St. Peter. 'What have you done, then ?' 'Well' said the supporter, 'Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa'. 'Oh' says St.Peter. 'anything else?' 'Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless.' 'Hmmm. Anything else?' 'Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans.' 'Okay', said St. Peter, 'You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor.' Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, 'I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty quid back, now f*** off'. A Rangers fan was given one wish by a genie after freeing it from a bottle. The only setback was that whatever he wished for a Celtc fan would recieve double that. He thought about a million pounds,but didnt like the idea of a mhank waking up with TWO million. He considered a new porsche but knew that some bead rattler would find two of them in his driveway. Eventually it dawned on him and he told the genie > > > > > > >'I want to donate a kidney.' :bouncy: :bouncy: lmfao the last one is a cracker Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
True_Blue_Gal 0 Posted April 17, 2008 Author Share Posted April 17, 2008 Celtic are on their way to an away game when their bus breaks down. The driver gets out and lifts up the engine cover. Artur Boruc, trying his best to be helpful, gets out and asks 'do you want a screwdriver?' The driver replies 'Not now pet, I'm trying to fix the bus.' Two priest's were taking a piss in the urinals one day and the one priest looks down and see's a nicotine patch on the other guy's dick. He says 'Im not really a rocket scientist or anything, but, isnt that supposed to be on your arm?' And the other priest goes 'Nah, it's working fine. Im down to two butts a day'! David Blane was gutted yesterday when he found out his 44 day record of doing F**K all in a box was smashed by Celtics Venegoor of Hesselink. A boy is sitting at the dinner table, having his tea & his mum is standing doing the dishes when the boy turns to his mum... BOY: 'Mummy is the reason I've got the biggest willy in the nursery because I'm black?' MUM: 'No, it's because you're 28 & a retard, now watch you dont get spaghetti hoops down your new Celtic top' Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
DadoPrso9 7 Posted April 17, 2008 Share Posted April 17, 2008 Celtic are on their way to an away game when their bus breaks down. The driver gets out and lifts up the engine cover. Artur Boruc, trying his best to be helpful, gets out and asks 'do you want a screwdriver?' The driver replies 'Not now pet, I'm trying to fix the bus.' Two priest's were taking a piss in the urinals one day and the one priest looks down and see's a nicotine patch on the other guy's dick. He says 'Im not really a rocket scientist or anything, but, isnt that supposed to be on your arm?' And the other priest goes 'Nah, it's working fine. Im down to two butts a day'! David Blane was gutted yesterday when he found out his 44 day record of doing F**K all in a box was smashed by Celtics Venegoor of Hesselink. A boy is sitting at the dinner table, having his tea & his mum is standing doing the dishes when the boy turns to his mum... BOY: 'Mummy is the reason I've got the biggest willy in the nursery because I'm black?' MUM: 'No, it's because you're 28 & a retard, now watch you dont get spaghetti hoops down your new Celtic top' top notch TBG Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
plymouthranger 3,855 Posted April 17, 2008 Share Posted April 17, 2008 rangers fan picks up a minister from the church of scotland when he is driving along. He is driving along happily asking where the minister wants to go when he sees a celtic fan. Instinctively he swerves to hit the fan but at the last moment turns and just misses the fan. He turns around to the minister and says "sorry, i dont know what came over me" he is replied by "don't worry mate, i got the bastard with the door " Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
True_Blue_Gal 0 Posted April 17, 2008 Author Share Posted April 17, 2008 rangers fan picks up a minister from the church of scotland when he is driving along. He is driving along happily asking where the minister wants to go when he sees a celtic fan. Instinctively he swerves to hit the fan but at the last moment turns and just misses the fan. He turns around to the minister and says "sorry, i dont know what came over me" he is replied by "don't worry mate, i got the bastard with the door " Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
girvan1690 0 Posted April 17, 2008 Share Posted April 17, 2008 gazza, laudrup and mccoist arrive at heaven and appear before god god; yes son, who are you gazza; im paul gascoigne god; ok, you may enter, you can sit at my left god; next laudrup; brian laudrup god; ok, you may enter to, you can sit to my right god; anyone else mccoist; i believe your in my seat..... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
True_Blue_Gal 0 Posted April 17, 2008 Author Share Posted April 17, 2008 gazza, laudrup and mccoist arrive at heaven and appear before god god; yes son, who are you gazza; im paul gascoigne god; ok, you may enter, you can sit at my left god; next laudrup; brian laudrup god; ok, you may enter to, you can sit to my right god; anyone else mccoist; i believe your in my seat..... Hee Hee! I have a similar one and i am sure most will know this. McGeady and McCoist approach a prostitute McGeady says " How Much for a wank?" She replies "50 quid" McCoist says " How much for a legend?" This is old but effective i say hee hee. Why is it George Michaels long life ambition to play in goals for the Tic? He will 10 aresholes in front of him and 60,000 pricks behind him. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
delparlane 5,636 Posted April 17, 2008 Share Posted April 17, 2008 Great stuff there! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
davie1689 1 Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 aye the auld wans are the best Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
kplfishtank 4,656 Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 whats the difference between mr sheen and artur boruc ones polish and the others a mhanky bastard Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ekbear93 3 Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 there all brilliant Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
eastcoastbear 122 Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 Aye, they've brightened up a dull Sunday. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ekbear93 3 Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 the Pope and the Queen attend the Old Firm Clash at Celtic park, the pope turns to the Queen and asks her if she wants to see 60,000 Celtic fans cheer, so the pope stands up and raises his hand, the Celtic fans stand up and cheer to show their acknowledgement. The Pope and the queen attend the next Old Firm game at Ibrox and the queen turns to the Pope and asks if he wants to see 50,000 blue noses cheer, He says ok and the Queen sticks the head on him. What do you have when 100 Celtic fans are buried up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
billyfiz 0 Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 whats the difference between mr sheen and artur boruc ones polish and the others a mhanky bastard top notch ,any more Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ekbear93 3 Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 whats the difference between mr sheen and artur boruc ones polish and the others a mhanky bastard :lol: Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
davie1689 1 Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 what do ya throw a septic fan when he is drowning???? his family! how do ya save a septic fan when he is drowning???? take your foot off his head! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
minstral 5,375 Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 they are all good jokes. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
davie1689 1 Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 'Hello mate' says St. Peter, 'I'm sorry, no Celtic fans in heaven.' 'What ?' exclaims the man, astonished. 'You heard, no Celtic fans.' 'But, but, but, I've been a good man', replies the Celtic supporter. 'Oh really', says St. Peter. 'What have you done, then ?' 'Well' said the supporter, 'Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa'. 'Oh' says St.Peter. 'anything else?' 'Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless.' 'Hmmm. Anything else?' 'Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans.' 'Okay', said St. Peter, 'You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor.' Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, 'I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty quid back, now f*** off'. thats my fav one Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluejeff 16 Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 cheers guys lmao here. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coopermania 1 Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 some belters there Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eric_Caldow 60 Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 Sitting in the pub before the old firm game and on the telly comes a report that four Sellick fans are killed when their Renault Espace plunged off a cliff. One Bear bursts into tears and his mate says "Whit the fuck's wrang wi' you" The tearful Bear wipes his eyes and says "They fuckin' motors can haud at least eight." Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark. 69 Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 gazza, laudrup and mccoist arrive at heaven and appear before god god; yes son, who are you gazza; im paul gascoigne god; ok, you may enter, you can sit at my left god; next laudrup; brian laudrup god; ok, you may enter to, you can sit to my right god; anyone else mccoist; i believe your in my seat..... Hee Hee! I have a similar one and i am sure most will know this. McGeady and McCoist approach a prostitute McGeady says " How Much for a wank?" She replies "50 quid" McCoist says " How much for a legend?" :lol: :lol: Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
davie1689 1 Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 fairy liquid are doing a new advert, decide to go down the septic route child says to mummy "mummy mummy, why are your hands so soft?" mummy replies "coz am only 13 ya wee bassa" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
davie1689 1 Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 bottle of orange and a bottle of limeade are sitting in a bar before an old firm game ticketless bottle of cola walks in with spare tickets but only for the rangers end bottle of orange being a true friend says its ok i wont go i will sit with you bottle of limeade says dont be silly i will meet you after the game they both arrange to meet in the paisley rd after the game the bottle of orange walks out and cant see the bottle of limeade anywhere he searches high and low eventually sees the bottle of limeade lying in a gutter with his label all slashed and his bottle top all bashed oh my god says the bottle of orange what the feck happened to you? bottle of limeade manages to speak thru the leaking ginger that he was attacked by two bottles of milk oh my god says the bottle of orange would you know them again i can do better than that says the bottle of limeade, i know where they live really said the bottle of orange and how do you know that bottle of limeade said i heard one of them saying they were from the Brigton dairy Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts