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Irresistible Global Trends Of Our Time:


BigSpliff
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Almost from nowhere, the popularity of the green seat is becoming synonymous with the rapid changes associated with 21st century Glasgow. Not quite a shining beacon, more of an infested piece of plastic; but its allure is clear for all to see. Barely a fortnight passes in Glasgow without the images of thousands of green seats becoming imprinted in the minds of the good folk of the city.

The green seat phenomenon appears to have crept up on us all of a sudden – but in fact it is not new. Like a giant potato, its deep roots lie in the east end of the city. Although seldom (if ever) reported in the media, it has been a feature of (pond) life for quite some time. Traditionally, the green seat is celebrated by an under-class of illiterate mutants on certain notable days of the year. Mothers Day is a favourite anniversary and on Halloween the green seat is celebrated by said mutants donning costumes and wandering up the Gallowgate dressed from head to toe in the image of the green seat. It’s quite a sight to behold and most people are now believed to have it on their ’10 things to do before you die’ list.

But the green seat’s popularity is becoming ever more prevalent. No longer confined to special anniversaries, the wonderful celebrations are now taking place at least on a fortnightly basis. The most recent example took place on Saturday gone. Reliable sources suggest that approximately 9,000 green seats congregated around Kerrydale Street around 3pm; joined together by that special bond only a fellow green seat could understand, they sat together, motionless for almost 2 hours in a silent vigil. It was a breathtaking experience by all accounts and the organisers of the event – a group calling themselves the Green Seat Brigade said “tá múid an iontach aerach”. Nobody was available to explain why the Green Seat Brigade speaks in a foreign language but it is believed that the spokesman was expressing some form of satisfaction.

However; just as video killed the radio star and the iPod killed the Walkman, it would be churlish not to acknowledge that threats do exist to the green seat phenomenon. There were believed to be 51,000 observable threats at Saturday’s protest/vigil alone and it is worth investigating how this managed to occur.

‘Nil By Brain’, the organisation which is believed to pose the biggest threat to the Green Seat Brigade stated 12 months ago that it had (by co-incidence) 51,000 standard members who had paid up front to register their opposition to the green seat 18 times a year. Of these, a staggering 10,000 were ‘concessionary’ members – a collection of urchins and ragamuffins rounded up from various local ‘workshouses’ (a strange oxymoron). The average price of protest membership was therefore £333. However, spokesman Doctor Death of Nil by Brain said recently that they would have to work very hard to match last year’s membership numbers – most likely in response to the recent rapid rise in popularity of the green seat.

With only 51,000 objectors present on Saturday including a small visiting band from Perth and the ability of several thousands to buy individual protest tickets, it seems fair to assume that the number of signed-up objectors this year may be in the region of 41,000 – 43,000.

However, Nil by Brain is adopting an aggressive recruitment strategy (which would come as no surprise to those familiar with Doctor Death). They are actively recruiting members and offering the opportunity to buy concessions for as little as £50. Yes, £50! For research purposes this was checked by calling the ticket office at Nil by Brain this morning, and a quick call confirmed this to be the case. So last year’s 10,000 concessionary members are perhaps much greater in number now, given the urgent need to combat the rise of the green seat.

It would seem that all is not rosy in the garden of Nil By Brain – and that the green seat may indeed be here to stay.

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