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Fantastic Rangers Article.


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Can you keep a secret? Can I ask you to keep the following information to yourself? It's classified and - to be honest - even if you are thinking about repeating it to anyone, don't. They'll just think you're mad anyway. Stranger even than the revelations about Scientology made in Panorama last week is this earth-shatteringly, brain-fryingly explosive fact: Rangers, right now, are absolutely sensational.

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I know, I know - crazy, right? "Crazy talk!", I hear you say. "Rangers? Aren't they the purveyors of anti-football? Aren't they the team who cheat their way through games with the aid of an SFA-backed masonic conspiracy? Aren't they, at best, just benefitting from opponents lying down to them?" Well, yes, of course that's the recieved wisdom - especially in Scotland - and that's what all Rangers fans are quite happy for you to believe.

See, we like our image. The Rangers support is happy to be painted as following an intrinsically evil club. Because that way we keep that club to ourselves. Ibrox is busy enough each home game and it's horrendously difficult getting tickets for away matches or cup finals (we've been in five of the last six domestic finals in Scotland AND a European final inbetween times - how can that not be a conspiracy!).

So we don't need anyone else getting in on our secret. We're at that stage where everybody knows everybody and we all enjoy each other's company - we all look out for each other too. It's lovely following Rangers but it's is a private party and we don't want no gate-crashers.

However, recent events have threatened to expose us and I've been forced to break ranks. I can't live under the pressure that's been slowly building since Walter Smith returned for his second spell as Rangers manager and which has become unbearable in the last week. The last six days to be precise. Going two goals down at Pittodrie on a Sunday afternoon was all well and good.

Year after year we go to Pittodrie, fail to win against a club which hasn't done anything for 20 years, then proceed to win the title. It's the defeat or draw which always keeps us real, which always deflects attention from the glorious reality. Last Sunday, however, we stupidly went and scored three goals to win 3-2. Suddenly everyone's thinking "What's up here? Did Rangers do something exciting?".

Last year we beat Hearts at Tynecastle after going a man and a goal down. We the won a Cup final with just nine men on the pitch - and it was 0-0 when we went down to nine men. We beat both Hearts and Hibs by three clear goals away from home and destroyed Dundee United - the latest third force - by 3 goals at Tannadice and 7-1 at Ibrox.

Yet still no-one noticed how exciting we were. Still, non-Rangers fans had the wool pulled over their eyes and accusations of anti-football were randomly hurled at us. Fine, Great. Seceret safe. But this season we're pushing it.

Then there's Champions League home games. We haven't won one for 3 years. Despite making it to the UEFA Cup final 2 and a half years ago, we've managed to go longer than that without winning a match over 90 minutes. Genius! Rangers are probably the only club in history who've been to a major European final in the middleE of a 13-game un-winning streak in UEFA competition.

These are the efforts we have to go to to keep our sensational progress a secret. Last Wednesday, however, our camouflage slipped: Our first home Champions League win in six attempts would have been careless enough on its own but - no - we had to go and keep a clean sheet too!

Man, we've lost 13 goals in our last four Ibrox Champions League games and - bang! - "out of the blue" we "suddenly" restrict the Turkish champions to one half-decent shot on goal over 92 minutes. Bursaspor are top of their league, a league far superior to the SPL, with a 100% record - it's far too obvious if we put them in our back pockets "just like that".

But the worst was saved for last. Today. At Tynecastle. We're playing at Saturday brunch-time - our third game in less than 6 days, our second straight SPL away game and we're a goal down wth 9 minutes on the clock. That's fine. That's cool. This is what's supposed to happen to an evil, boring, rubbish team like Rangers. And then, just to ensure we maintain our cover, we bring on Kyle Lafferty.

Big Kyle's a man who's managed to win the title for Rangers two years on the trot, score four times against Hearts and four times against Dundee United and generally turn the tide in many a game but STILL be widely regarded as useless. Kyle's in deep with "the secret". He's an expert in making endless Rangers triumphs look lucky, bland or evil. I thought if anyone could be relied upon it was he.

But NO! He guides a free-kick into the Hearts net for an equaliser. While every other Rangers player has been managing to hit the bar and the post and miss from close range and doing it in such a way to ensure the Hearts keeper seems like the hero and the Hearts team who can't get out their own box seem like they "deserve" to win, Kyle's stupidly exposed us for what we really are with just one kick.

There's lingering hope of us hiding our true identity when ESPN commentators and radio pundits start assuming that five minutes injury time applies only to Rangers - that some SFA edict bans Hearts from scoring after the 90th minute.

Everyone's forgetting that there's been multiple substitutions, three breaks in play for injuries and that Hearts have been time-wasting since the second half kicked off. Great. Fine. This is how we get away with being spotted as a great side. So why the hell did Seteven Naismith have to go and ruin it all with that stupidly obviously, sensational winner?!

Why, Steven? Now it's all out in the open. How could you, Stevie? We're supposed to be "knackered" after our "European extertions". We're supposed to be tiring. Now everyone knows we're great. Everyone knows we're sensational and I have to come on here and ask for help.

I need your ideas in how to suppress this truth before everyone who supports Celtic, Aberdeen, Hibs, Hearts and even Manchester United starts crashing our party, wanting to swap their scarf for a red, white and blue one.

How can I keep my team's genius secret any longer? It used to be the sectarianism argument which always came into play after a great Rangers result but we've made far too many inroads n that front. So people began characterising our football, changing thw subject in myriad, random ways.

But we just keep winning! Please someone tell me how to paint this Rangers juggernaut as evil. Or even just as "lucky". Seven wins out of seven in the league and Easter Road, Tynecastle and Pittodire all already done. What now - "Logic is a mason"?

The only conspiracy or unexplained activity now left in Scottish Football is how Neil Lennon managed to get the Manager of the Month award for September. His side won all their SPL games, yes - as well as hammering six past Inverness Caley in the League Cup.

But Rangers won all our league games, hammered seven past Dunfermline in that same League Cup and held Man United to a draw at Old Trafford before winning at home against a side who've spent £40M on players in the last 2 years, all to finish thw month top of the SPL and our champions League group. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

It's out there now - scoring a 94th-minute winner at Tynecastle has put the tin lid on it - we're a club who've made just one big- money signing in the last two years and he can't even play in Europe. And he was taken off injured today at 1-0 to Hearts!! We play great defence when we're up against sides with more money than us and when we're up against minnows at Ibrox we go all-out attack and bang in plenty of goals.

When we go away in the SPL we always give our opponents a goal or two before beating them. We play every kind of football to suit every kind of occassion and we're going for our third straight league title. The secret's out - the Rangers story during Walter Smith's second coming has been romantic, heroic - sensational.

I don't feel privileged anymore. Now it's just common knowlegde and, for me, it's totally cheapened the whole experience of watching Rangers. Perhaps.

But, then again, if Walter Smith were to be named manager of the month every month it'd be too obvious.

Mmmm. Yeah. Clever. And everyone on the radio's currently talking about some foul Hearts should have been awarded in the build up to our winner. Great - this is promising.. Maybe us Bluenoses will be allowed keep the magic of Rangers all to ourselves just a little while longer.

Ahem. Because - yes - Rangers are rubbish, don't you know - just plain lucky, boring and rubbish.

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Brilliant article :lol:

That's fine. That's cool. This is what's supposed to happen to an evil, boring, rubbish team like Rangers. And then, just to ensure we maintain our cover, we bring on Kyle Lafferty.


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