The Godfather 72,059 Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 During sex. I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She: "What are you doing?" Me: "I've seen this on YouPorn, it's called Buffering." Quote Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Godfather 72,059 Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 I was having dinner with MC Hammer and Chico last night when I asked if anyone had the time. It was absolute carnage Quote Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest KarlG45 Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 Guy picks up this girl on a night out, and they head back to her house.He's trying to wangle an invite inside, but she's having none of it."Alright, he says. Fair enough. But can I just come in and use the toilet?""NO CHANCE" she replies. "The toilet's upstairs, right next to my mum and dad's room. If you go up, you'll waken them"."Please, I'm desperate here. Can I use the kitchen sink downstairs?"She sighs and says "oh Jesus alright then. But be quick, and try not to make a noise"Five minutes later he comes out of the kitchen and says "You got any toilet paper?" Quote Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Godfather 72,059 Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 I rang babestation the other night: a woman answered and says "hi sexy what can I do for you ?" I said "F*cking hide, my wifes coming and I've lost the remote!" Quote Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Godfather 72,059 Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 Quote Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue corn flakes 1,282 Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 The uvf kidnap Gerry Adams and take him up the Shankill And the UVF brigadier puts Gerry in a safe house and says to Gerry, To show you were fair minded people up the shankill gerry. Here is a dice!!! Roll 0ne to five and we will shoot you.And gerry says what happens if i roll a six? The brigadier says you get another go. Quote Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
StewGers 40 Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 Some of the worst jokes ever on here, although a few did make me laugh. Jimmy Carr Joke:I used to hate going to chapel on a sunday morning, with all the sitting down, standing up, kneeling, sitting down, standing up, kneeling.Why couldnt the priest just pick a position and fuck me! Quote Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
smitzer007 198 Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 How do you get a Nun pregnant ?Dress her as an Altar boy ! Quote Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
SkylineBlue 23,559 Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 How do I claim back the time I spent on this joke? False advertising at its best and I want a refund. Quote Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
alectrician 70 Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 Two Sellic couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on". Quote Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
hesaidnototheprovos 75 Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 I rang babestation the other night: a woman answered and says "hi sexy what can I do for you ?" I said "F*cking hide, my wifes coming and I've lost the remote!"That made me laugh, best one so far Quote Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
heathen fish boy 8,584 Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 what's Andy Carroll and Stephen hawking got in common? good with their head but shit with their feet Quote Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Godfather 72,059 Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 what's Andy Carroll and Stephen hawking got in common? good with their head but shit with their feetThere’s a new rule come into play this season in England…Any defender marking Andy Carroll will be booked for time wasting. Quote Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
hesaidnototheprovos 75 Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes.""What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician."Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'" Quote Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
hesaidnototheprovos 75 Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 What’s the difference between a priest and a zit? At least a zit waits until you’re a teenager before it cums on your face! Quote Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redwhiteandblue 3,330 Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 Whats bad about a ford escord going over a cliff with 4 celtic fans in it?You can fit 5 in a Escort. Quote Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Godfather 72,059 Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 What do you call an Egyption taxi driver? TootankamutWhat do you call a Pakistani Sheepshagger ? Ramalamb Quote Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
dexiboy 157 Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 What do you call a Pakistani police in former? Whazzeem. Quote Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
blaudrup 5,460 Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 During sex. I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She: "What are you doing?" Me: "I've seen this on YouPorn, it's called Buffering."An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating"What are you doing father?" He said,"It's called masturbating” the priest replied, "You'll be doing this soon.""Why father ?" asked the choir boy."Because my wrist is killing me” the priest repliedI rang babestation the other night: a woman answered and says "hi sexy what can I do for you ?" I said "F*cking hide, my wifes coming and I've lost the remote!"These all made me laugh Quote Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaslaneBear 11 Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 What do call two Pakistani's in a sleeping bag? Twix. How do you fit every Ethiopian in a phone box? Throw in a can of beans. How do you get them out? Run past with the tin opener. Quote Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaslaneBear 11 Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 Floods in China by Wan Lan Pee Quote Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Godfather 72,059 Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 My girlfriend broke up with me last night, saying that I was too kinky for her in the bedroom. I nearly choked on her piss when she told me! Quote Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Godfather 72,059 Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 Hamish was on the Weakest Link, Anne Robinson asked him the meaning of the word "acoustic"He puzzled for a moment before asking "Is it something for hitting catttle with?" Quote Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
dexiboy 157 Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 What do you call a Chinese man with a limp? Wong ki leg Quote Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
blaudrup 5,460 Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 Hamish was on the Weakest Link, Anne Robinson asked him the meaning of the word "acoustic"He puzzled for a moment before asking "Is it something for hitting catttle with?"This isn't a joke as such, it was GENUINELY on Australian TV a few hours ago, on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire the contestant was asked by what better name is the country "Caledonia" known as.The guy answered "Spain" Quote Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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