**The official Carlos Cuellar Random facts thread**

[Ty 0]

Someone once asked Carlos which Champs League strikers he was scared of, he replied "what does scared mean?"

Carlos once showed up late for training, Walter changed the clocks accordingly

Professor X from X-Men once tried to read Cuellar's mind. He's now sitting in a wheel chair.

Cuellar always tests positive for steroids. Not that he uses steroids, It's because steroids are made from Cuellar.

...and on the seventh day King Carlos said, "I'll take it from here."

On the upcoming new FIFA game, a complete beginner playing as Cuellar can take the ball from Drogba, take it around Steven Gerrard, and put it past Cech. The developers agreed that this was the most realistic FIFA yet.

If anyone ever asks "who's your daddy?", the answer's Carlos. Always.

Putting McGeady in your back pocket is like riding a bike. Carlos Cuellar never forgets.

Carlos Cuellar played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Any football award for world's best player going is always followed with the disclaimer: *Aside from Carlos Cuellar. This includes striker and goalkeeper awards as well as manager, for managing to somehow not make McGeady look absolutely shite.

If Cuellar somehow misses the ball, it's because he's planning on how to score in 5 mins time

[CooperSF 5,792]

Brilliant

[Jardy 0]

Someone once asked Carlos which Champs League strikers he was scared of, he replied "what does scared mean?"

Carlos once showed up late for training, Walter changed the clocks accordingly

Professor X from X-Men once tried to read Cuellar's mind. He's now sitting in a wheel chair.

Cuellar always tests positive for steroids. Not that he uses steroids, It's because steroids are made from Cuellar.

...and on the seventh day King Carlos said, "I'll take it from here."

On the upcoming new FIFA game, a complete beginner playing as Cuellar can take the ball from Drogba, take it around Steven Gerrard, and put it past Cech. The developers agreed that this was the most realistic FIFA yet.

If anyone ever asks "who's your daddy?", the answer's Carlos. Always.

Putting McGeady in your back pocket is like riding a bike. Carlos Cuellar never forgets.

Carlos Cuellar played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Any football award for world's best player going is always followed with the disclaimer: *Aside from Carlos Cuellar. This includes striker and goalkeeper awards as well as manager, for managing to somehow not make McGeady look absolutely shite.

If Cuellar somehow misses the ball, it's because he's planning on how to score in 5 mins time

now thats jus silly talk

[Mark. 69]

When Carlos Cuellar drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.

. When Carlos Cuellar was born, the nurse said, "Holy Crap! That's Carlos Cuellar!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

. When Carlos Cuellar goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

. In an average living room there are 242 objects Carlos Cuellar could use to kill you, including the room itself.

. The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed a tenner from Carlos Cuellar and forgot to pay him back.

. Carlos Cuellar once count backwards from infinity, twice.

. When Carlos Cuellar jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Carlos Cuellar instead

. Carlos Cuellar can divide by zero.

. In fine print at on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Carlos Cuellar, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

. Carlos Cuellar has two speeds: walk and kill.

. Carlos Cuellar is the reason why Wally is hiding.

. Carlos Cuellar can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

. You are what you eat. That is why Carlos Cuellar’s diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

. Carlos Cuellar played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

. When Carlos Cuellar does a push up, he isn't lifting himself up; he's pushing the Earth down.

. Carlos Cuellar haunts Freddy Krueger's nightmares.

. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Carlos Cuellar punched himself in the face.

. Carlos Cuellar, Allan McGregor, Chuck Norris and Mr T once all met in a bar, it exploded as no room can contain that much cool!

. Carlos Cuellar is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

. Carlos Cuellar is not hung like a horse horses are hung like Carlos Cuellar!

. Carlos Cuellar can touch MC Hammer.

. If Carlos Cuellar is late, time better slow down.

. Carlos Cuellar was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of head-butt related deaths.

. Carlos Cuellar appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a head-butt. When asked bout this "glitch," Carlos Cuellar replied, "That's no glitch."

. Someone once tried to tell Carlos Cuellar that head-butts aren't the best way to kill someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

. If Carlos Cuellar was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Neil Lennon, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Lennon twice.

. If you wake up in the morning, it's because Carlos Cuellar spared your life.

. Superman wears Carlos Cuellar pjs.

. If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Carlos Cuellar says its beef. Then you better believe it's beef.

. Carlos Cuellar once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Carlos Cuellar. Sounds like a fair fight.

. Carlos Cuellar was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Filip Sebo

. Carlos Cuellar tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.

. Carlos Cuellar does not sleep. He waits.

. Carlos Cuellar is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right leg.

[BlueSuedeSambas 53,856]

Carlos Cuellar is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you

There is no 'ctrl' button on Carlos Cuellar's computer. Carlos Cuellar is always in control

[J_RFC87 761]

Who's been at the old Chuck Norris jokes?

This is beaut though, hadn't heard this one:

Putting McGeady in your back pocket is like riding a bike. Carlos Cuellar never forgets.

[Frankie 505]

He's the rock in our back four, Cuellar, Cuellar

The opposition score no more, Cuellar, Cuellar

He's six foot three with curly hair

His teeth are f***ed but we don't care

He's Carlos Cuellar, the Rangers centre half

[plymouthranger 3,886]

carlos cuellar can kill two stones with one bird

[Gartcosh Bear 124]

Carlos Cuellar does not know the meaning of the word "fear". He ate the page of the English dictionary he bought which contained that word for breakfast along with a boiled egg and toast.

Carlos Cuellar is so tough that he ran into a brick wall and the brick wall is now recovering in hospital.

Carlos Cuellar can play 10 games of chess simultaneously whilst blindfolded and win them all.

Carlos Cuellar does not need to jump to head a football away, the opposition give up and bow down to him instead.

[Danny 9]

I'm in tears here. These are genius.

The second one about the clocks is superb.

[gmanhaggis 0]

Someone once asked Carlos which Champs League strikers he was scared of, he replied "what does scared mean?"

Carlos once showed up late for training, Walter changed the clocks accordingly

Professor X from X-Men once tried to read Cuellar's mind. He's now sitting in a wheel chair.

Cuellar always tests positive for steroids. Not that he uses steroids, It's because steroids are made from Cuellar.

...and on the seventh day King Carlos said, "I'll take it from here."

On the upcoming new FIFA game, a complete beginner playing as Cuellar can take the ball from Drogba, take it around Steven Gerrard, and put it past Cech. The developers agreed that this was the most realistic FIFA yet.

If anyone ever asks "who's your daddy?", the answer's Carlos. Always.

Putting McGeady in your back pocket is like riding a bike. Carlos Cuellar never forgets.

Carlos Cuellar played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Any football award for world's best player going is always followed with the disclaimer: *Aside from Carlos Cuellar. This includes striker and goalkeeper awards as well as manager, for managing to somehow not make McGeady look absolutely shite.

If Cuellar somehow misses the ball, it's because he's planning on how to score in 5 mins time

is it just me or does this sound like he's being introduced like the stig is on top gear:

Some say he doesn't understand the meaning of scared and that he played russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won

All we we know is, he's called King Carlos

[Stuart_RFC 41]

Someone once asked Carlos which Champs League strikers he was scared of, he replied "what does scared mean?"

Carlos once showed up late for training, Walter changed the clocks accordingly

Professor X from X-Men once tried to read Cuellar's mind. He's now sitting in a wheel chair.

Cuellar always tests positive for steroids. Not that he uses steroids, It's because steroids are made from Cuellar.

...and on the seventh day King Carlos said, "I'll take it from here."

On the upcoming new FIFA game, a complete beginner playing as Cuellar can take the ball from Drogba, take it around Steven Gerrard, and put it past Cech. The developers agreed that this was the most realistic FIFA yet.

If anyone ever asks "who's your daddy?", the answer's Carlos. Always.

Putting McGeady in your back pocket is like riding a bike. Carlos Cuellar never forgets.

Carlos Cuellar played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Any football award for world's best player going is always followed with the disclaimer: *Aside from Carlos Cuellar. This includes striker and goalkeeper awards as well as manager, for managing to somehow not make McGeady look absolutely shite.

If Cuellar somehow misses the ball, it's because he's planning on how to score in 5 mins time

is it just me or does this sound like he's being introduced like the stig is on top gear:

Some say he doesn't understand the meaning of scared and that he played russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won

All we we know is, he's called King Carlos

[Wreckedroy 33]

I love this thread! Had to stop reading twice to wipe away the tears! Fuckin Magic! :smiley:

[PortGlasgow 0]

Carlos Cuellar allows Broadfoot to play at right back, its his way of taking the piss out of his opponents

[ExiledWeegie123 1,240]

giraffes were created when carlos cuellar uppercutted a horse

carlos cuellar is always on top during sex,because carlos cuellar never fucks up

[omni 0]

Carlos let the dogs out

Carlos shot the deputy... and you didn't shoot the sheriff, Carlos did

Carlos didn't "trick" Frei, he had him cowering in the other corner of the net as soon as he looked at him

[McBoyd 355]

[Bluemeanie6 3]

Carlos Cueller plays all 300 spartans at once in the movie "300"

Fire doesn't burn Carlos Cueller, CUELLER BURNS FIRE.

If you come home to find Carlos Cueller doing your missus, it's probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Carlos gets thirsty. There ain't no future in any other course of action.

Carlos Cueller once flew to Australia, WITHOUT a plane.

Chernobyl wasn't hit by a nuclear warhead, it was hit by a Carlos Cueller.

[Cumbria_blue 51]

Carlos Cuellar can win a game of connect four in 3 moves.

[dados army 0]

Ha ha ha!!! These are all class!!!!!

One King Carlos!!! Theres only one King Carlos!!!

[PortGlasgow 0]

Some people think the G8 canceled the debts of the worlds poorest countries... THEIR WRONG

Carlos Cuellar was seen moving at tremendous speeds in what for him was a morning stroll past the International G8 summit in Gleneagles, using his super human instincts and eagle vision looked inside and noticed them passing a resolution on the issue of third world debt. Carlos Cuellar realising that the resolution may have resulted in a historical own goal for the world as a whole, sped into the summit room, and with one hand for balance the other parrying away the then Prime minister Tony Blair cleared the entire national debt of African Benin, Burkina Faso, Ethiopia, Ghana, Madagascar, Mali, Mauritania, Mozambique, Niger,Rwanda, Senegal, Tanzania, Uganda, Zambia, Bolivia, Guyana, Honduras, and Nicaragua with his curly locks in one miraculous dive.

World leaders had no option but to later that day release an international statement saying it was their idea

+

[Polo 1,433]

Carlos Cuellar can speak braille.

[maverick1200 2,832]

Carlos let the dogs out

Carlos shot the deputy... and you didn't shoot the sheriff, Carlos did

Carlos didn't "trick" Frei, he had him cowering in the other corner of the net as soon as he looked at him

Fooking brillant!!! everyone is looking at me in the office cause im laughing sooooo much

[Danny 9]

Carlos Cuellar can speak braille.

Best one of the lot

[trueblue86 0]

Someone once asked Carlos which Champs League strikers he was scared of, he replied "what does scared mean?"

Carlos once showed up late for training, Walter changed the clocks accordingly

Professor X from X-Men once tried to read Cuellar's mind. He's now sitting in a wheel chair.

Cuellar always tests positive for steroids. Not that he uses steroids, It's because steroids are made from Cuellar.

...and on the seventh day King Carlos said, "I'll take it from here."

On the upcoming new FIFA game, a complete beginner playing as Cuellar can take the ball from Drogba, take it around Steven Gerrard, and put it past Cech. The developers agreed that this was the most realistic FIFA yet.

If anyone ever asks "who's your daddy?", the answer's Carlos. Always.

Putting McGeady in your back pocket is like riding a bike. Carlos Cuellar never forgets.

Carlos Cuellar played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Any football award for world's best player going is always followed with the disclaimer: *Aside from Carlos Cuellar. This includes striker and goalkeeper awards as well as manager, for managing to somehow not make McGeady look absolutely shite.

If Cuellar somehow misses the ball, it's because he's planning on how to score in 5 mins time

is it just me or does this sound like he's being introduced like the stig is on top gear:

Some say he doesn't understand the meaning of scared and that he played russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won

All we we know is, he's called King Carlos

We now know who the Stig is! Mystery is over!